Through the Rolling Mist

hhmmmmmm

2009-01-27T03:58:45Z

MMMMMM I never post on this thing. I don't know why. It's not that I don't like posting... honestly I just forget about it a lot which is pretty stupid if you ask me.

Things are good. Many a project, many things to read. I'm taking Developmental Psychology and Law and Society as my gen eds this semester. I was feeling ambitious, and I'm starting to think that I may eventually regret that decision.

Went to the Museum of Natural History, ate dinner at an Authentic restaurant in chinatown, had frozen yoghurt, saw Speed-the-Plow, and am in rehearsals for a Mainstage. Yes I am.

Relationship Status= rocky. We'll get over it, I have faith.

I also no longer believe in predetermined destiny, but my belief in reincarnation has been solidified.

Blessed be.

Back Home?

2009-01-15T06:00:00Z

Yeah, I'm back in the city. Here I am, in my own apartment with my roommates- well, two of them. And one of them is new. But, I like her thank god. I was kind of nervous since the four of us last semester had picked one another, and things were going so smoothly. I was nervous to the point of shivers that this new girl might be a jerk, a freak.... or totally disinterested in being friends with us. Thankfully, she isn't.

Still waiting for my man though- he's in Seattle, all of the way accross the country from me. I'm lonely without him really. It's strange to be here when he isn't here. Everything is a tad bit empty- places where I would normally see him, well, don't have him in them. He'll be here saturday though.

Huzzah for being back here.

Blessed be.

hahaha wow. Well, more time spent.

2008-10-15T03:37:38Z

So well, yeah. Then this is a good thing.

2008-10-15T03:33:33Z

Yes it is!

Life i just going along rather swimmingly right now. I haven't seen him since thursday, which sucks. I went home on friday night earlier than he thought, so I just totally missed him, and then he went off to Washington DC to visit his brother and his family (and see his sister who was coincidentally, or rather probably plannedly also visiting). He is a genius, but he did manage to forget his cell phone charger, so I haven't actually heard his voice in five days. Considering we haven't even spent one day without seeing one another, this is quite a lot, really.

It seems really trivial, but I really miss him already. It's not the typical kind of heart pain miss, where you fixate on the person, their skin, their hair, their scent, in a kind of obsessive love way. This is different. He's there in so many moments. So many things happen where I stop and go "Oh, Patrick would think that was hilarious" or "Patrick has a shirt like that" or he just magically came up in conversation, or I realized that more than half of the stories about good things I'd been doing ( haha) lately that I was sharing with my parents involved him. Or, were even due to him.

He's just always in my mind, but not in a fixated way. It's a pleasant kind of missing someone, where you look forward to seeing them again, to smile at them and have them see that you look better than five days ago and see their smile in seeing that, rather than a "why hast god forsaken me?" kind of driven misery.

At 2AM he should be getting home. Good girlfriend that I am, I told him I'd wait up and see him. I do really want to see him, but I'm getting tired, and although I love posting on my journal, this is also a fantastic way to pass a lot of time and keep myself awake. The idea of napping until he gets back keeps floating around in my head, throwing little bouncy balls at my more logical functions, my upper cortex, saying "Hey! Come play with me in dreamland! We have ponies and castles for you to frolick in to your heart's delight!" and I KNOW if I fall asleep I'm not going to wake up. Fucking ponies are too tempting. And I want to be awake when he gets back. We'll see what I do. Seeing him should be enough motivation to get me out of the sack.

So... I went home this weekend. It was certainly a trip. Seeing my family, seeing my house, sleeping in my queensize bed.... It was delicious. My town was so strange though. Homecoming, which once excited me to the nth degree, now seemed rather pathetically lame, not Brick kind of lame more like that kid on South Park, Jimmy. The lame you just want to pat on the head and tell them it will be all better once they pull their heads out of their asses and acknowledge and learn to live in the real world kind of lame. Alien country, I tell you. West Grove is Alien country to me now and I used to be a part of that society. I can't ever go back now, it's so strange. The lifestyle is so different I can't express it in words here, so I don't plan to try.

However, it was a pleasant trip. I picked raspberries from my backyard. You can't tell me that the taste of sunwarmed fresh strawberries picked from 20 feet off of your porch is not a fragment of heaven. Because, it most certainly is. And my family is doing well. They got a wii, my dad bought it for my mom for her birthday, and Dad and I played this stupid cow racing game for over an hour. It was retarded, it was silly, and it was a hell of a lot of fun. Some of the best father-daughter bonding we've done in a while. The Yankees game in the spring trumps it by a mile, but this was pretty important, in a cow racing wii game sort of way.

I have completely run out of things to say, so I shall now have to find another way to occupy my brain other than a nap. Ahh. I'll think of something. All those nights staying up til 2 doing absolute bullshit and the one night I need to I'm bored shitless. Get it? Bullshit... shitless...

I'm scrounging rock bottom now. Goodnight kids.

Perhaps my last entry was a little effusive.

2008-10-07T05:34:59Z

I love him but I also don't want to scare him by saying I love him because damnit making him know how I feel is a fine line between how I feel and freaky. I need to chill.

But I'm still really, really, really happy. For real.

Yay. Unfortunately, I'm a little too happy to concentrate on writing this paper.

A feeling of hope
A feeling of pride
Not knowing if I'd know you
Before I once again died.
I don't know if I've found you
I don't really care.
I don't even know
If you'll always be there.
But something inside me
Says this is right now.
Is whispering softly
You'll make it somehow.

Don't fixate on future
Don't look to the past
Don't worry of finding
The true one at last
Maybe he's out there
Maybe he's not
Maybe he is
but does not want to be caught.

Who gives a damn
It's such a shame
People living their lives
Looking for that one name.
Searching for someone
They might never see
Trying to become
Forgetting to be.
Forgetting they're whole
Forgetting they're one
Forgetting that two
Can always be undone.

I don't need that now
I don't want that shit
I look at those people
Just about to quit
And know I have me
but know I have friends
Know that my life
Has many different ends
Don't care what they are
I have no idea
All that I know
Is I'm right now, right here.

I'm here with you
I won't be all night
But that's just okay
That's completely alright.
I won't get mad
I won't feel pain
Because I no longer
Look at this as a game.
But it's not serious
Nothing to sweat
You live what you want
And you get what you get.

Fuck you

2008-10-07T04:17:57Z

Fuck it all, I'm so done with it. This cynical lack of feeling.

No!

I'm done with it.

I want to love, I want to feel, I want to not be above all of this. I want to be open, to be aware of how I'm feeling, to love the fact that I'm magically in love and feel more wonderful than I ever have in my entire life.

A relationship is happening to me, a wheel is turning, something has been set into motion that I don't have the power to stop, yet I have put tread on the wheels in order to create friction and make it slow down.

No!

Fuck you you motherfucker for making me unable to feel. Fuck you.
Fuck you for making me feel like shit.
Fuck you for not allowing me to dream.
Fuck you for making me think that I was worthless for monthes.
Fuck it all.

I'm ready.
I'm ready to live now.

I'm ready to love now.
Someone, much better than you. YES, much better.
I actually love this one, I'm not just in it for the self-gratification.
I just want to lay next to him and see the smile in his eyes that he gets from seeing me laying next to him.

To laugh at the stupid, inane jokes only we get because we have the same twisted sense of humour.

To want him to love me without wanting him to hurt me.

Fuck you, I'm so over you and I wish I had punched you in the face that night. If I ever see you again I swear to God I'll rip your heart out because I was such a weak little child that night. I was playing a game and you were set. I've been so ashamed of the way that I behaved, now I just hate you.

I hope I see you this weekend. I hope you're fat. I know I look better than you, frankly, I always did. I lowered my standards to date you, I wanted someone to love, someone to attach myself too. I didn't love you until the very end. I lied motherfucker. In all honesty, I lie a lot more than people think I do because I convince myself that the lies are truth. That's why I am now a great actor, no thanks to you, you snaggle-toothed, furry cyclops.

I'm ready.

There isn't anything holding me back, I've let you go now. I've let you go.

GONE.

I swear to god, I don't need to kill you anymore, I've loved you, I've hated you and now I feel nothing but a chilling indifference.

I'm ready to take off, to fly, to live. I'm ready to exist, I'm ready to feel.

I want to throw caution to the wind, and myself into his arms. I'm whole. I admit it- I kind of need him. I need him because he makes me better than myself. He doesn't make me cut school, he makes me want to work. He makes me want to be better, to work harder, to be the best fucking actor I can ever possibly be. You never did anything but make my pursuits look pointless. Fuck you.

I'M IN LOVE!!! I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!

I just want to scream it from the top of a mountain and broadcast it to the world. I adore him.

I'm so ready. :)

Happiness

2008-09-22T05:04:44Z

Yes folks, she's happy. Stupidly happy almost. I just can't believe the way my life is going right now, and I'm going along for the ride, loving every moment. This is absolutely not where I thought I would be, or who I thought I would be at this point in my life. This is so much better than I could have dreamed.

I'm in love. Yes, really and truly in love. I have fallen in love with my best friend and he has fallen in love with me.

We were laying around last night and just relaxing, in bed, and he turned to me and said he thought there was something I wanted to say to him. Naturally, there was. I had realized a few days prior that I was completely in love with him. I just didn't know how to tell him. We've only been together for a few weeks, but I've known him for a year and he knows almost everything about me. Almost. So I played it cool, acting like I was utterly oblivious as to what he was talking about. He was persistent. Finally he said that he had something he was dying to say too. So He said, we'll say it at the same time.

On the count of three.

One... two... three...

I love you.

It was the most wonderful and romantic thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and it was spontaneous, random and weird in its own way. Dear god, he followed that by quoting an entire Eddie Izzard monologue to me (while I rolled around under a blanket, shaken by raucous laughter).

Of course, now I have thought of other things that could have been said that would have made the situation unbelievable awkward/ hysterical/ ridiculous.

"I need to pee"
"I'm pregnant"
"You smell like shit"
"I don't think this is working out"
"Let's fuck"
"I want a burger"
"You're stepping on my toe"

Note to self: any of the aforementioned statements would have probably fucked you over bigtime. Well done speaking your heart.

I'm in love!

So much in love that I've been listening to techno. I had a single person techno rave in my room tonight. I just danced around giddily. It was fabulous. I felt like I was suspended in the clouds by an unbreakable angel-wing bungee cord wrapped with flowers of pleasant fragrance.

And, I fell for the good guy. My mind and my back muscles are thanking me.

Life is magical

2008-09-11T02:49:02Z

So it's amazing how things work. I was in the park the other day, and a man and a woman approached me. They asked if I had ever heard of the mother goddess. Clearly I told them that I had, and I agreed with them blah blah blah, kind of excited about it all, but knowing that I had come to the park to get some schoolwork done. Then they attempted to show me some bible passages, and I informed them that I had to go.

I turned and left- turned back, they were gone.

So, I'm sitting at the base of a statue of George Washington in Union Square Park, reading the Communist Manifesto (yes, I know. I really did it. And I felt like a super badass, not gonna lie, though I half expected him to come to life and smite me). About halfway through the book, I'm approaced by a second couple asking the same question. This time I kind of totally blew them off. I was just likeyeah, yeah, your friends already talked to me, and they said, "what friends". Weird right?

In true form, I looked up, and they were GONE.

No one else in the entire crowded park seemed to have seen them.

Here is where you get the preface, and why this whole situation might just be so amazing, if it didn't seem amazing to you already. This all happened on Sunday night. On Friday night, I hooked up with my best friend. It was slightly weird, but I've known him for a year now, and for about the past nine monthes, he has that friend who I just shared everyone with. He knows my moves before I make them, and I know his. We were scene partners last year, we had to make out in our scene, but I never ever saw him as anything more than a friend. Frankly I was not attracted to him in that way really at all. He's attractive, I always acknowledged that, but he didn't seem to be my type at the time. I was into the dark, evil men. That always seems to be my throwback type of guy... the ones you see into their eyes, see their sociopathic tendencies and just want them to take you. But then we came back from summer break.

This summer I worked at a summer stock theatre, doing all musicals. This may seem trivial, but it is one of the best things that I have ever done in my life. I had a great summer, I learned a lot about myself, how to just relax and enjoy life. I learned how to be happy being healthy and nice, basically. I learned how to like a good guy- yeah, there was a summer guy. He was five years older than I am, and I've never been opposed to dating a guy that much older, I just haven't. Anyway, after a flirtation and hanging out for monthes, including being his "prom date", we finally hooked up on the night before I left town. It was hot and furious. In the back of his car in a church parking lot. He was a really good, nice guy, and I realized that was the type f person I really wanted.

Now, I did not come back to school with the intentions of finding a guy. Quite the fucking opposite, in fact. I wanted to just spend time completing the bettering of myself that had begun over the summer, and, if you'll excuse the pun, seemed to come to climax that night in the back of that car. But suddenly best friend guy and I were hanging out one-on-one like all of the time. We were going to see shows together, spending time in the room, taking classes together, it was just awesome. I mean awesome in the true sense of the word- like a majestic range of purple mountains in the midwest, or the beauty of a triple rainbow over the ocean. Really awesome!

I started to see him in a different light- he'd grown up. Those little things that had driven me crazy about him as a friend last year had changed, gone away completely, or become weirdly endearing to me. I was just loving spending time with him. Not to mention I found him wickedly handsome now. Honestly, he may not look that much different, but not seeing him for three monthes made me see him in a different light. He just makes me full of joy every time I look at his stunning self. God, that sounded like he's gay (haha He's NOT gay...). You understand what I mean. I realized that I liked him as more than a friend, something I never thought in a million years would ever happen. An occurrence that seemed as imminent as the apocalypse, in all honesty. I was attracted, I cared, and I wanted him.

We were at a mutual friend's birthday party, drinking and smoking hookah. Each of us had only had a few drinks- neither one of us was anywhere near drunk. I am a heavyweight, I believe he is too. I had never actually gotten drunk with him, he didn't start drinking until halfway through the year last year, and we had never gotten smashed together. The chances of that happening in the near future are probably pretty high, but it hadn't happened yet. Well, still hasn't. Anyhow, he kissed me. In front of everyone. He was kind of massaging my shoulders, and then he just, well, kissed me. Five minutes later, perhaps not even, it happened again. I went upstairs to another part of the party, and then heard, to my great dismay, that he had left.

A few minutes later, I received this text message (I hate talking on the phone... I prefer texting. I am the most awkward phone talked on the face of the earth): "I have gone home. I hope you can find it in your heart to excuse my beligerrence"

I was impressed by the word beligerence. Not gonna lie. But I was sad a little that he thought I wasn't into it...

I was about to text him back and this came up on my phone screen: "And by I hope you can forgive my beligerence, I mean, maybe you could come see me later"

I called him (i know, big for me), left the party, and went back home. Conveniently, he lives three floors below me. However, it was raining. I showed up at his door some twenty minutes later, soaking wet, my dress made practically see through by the rain, and makeup running down my face, and he kissed me.

Long story I'm not going to go into detail about here due to censorship as well as tact and time short, we're kind of a thing, or as we are saying "mutually exclusive but not really in a relationship". And I feel like the happiest woman alive. I'm listening to Katrina and the Waves. That kind of happy. He kisses me in public, at studio even! It's awesome.

This story will be continued when I have more time... it gets SO much better it's unreal.

I must memorize this.

2008-09-02T02:40:58Z

A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful.
I hope my master's suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress' love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me see, I think
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as this of hers.
And yet the painter flattered her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow.
If that be all the difference in his love
I'll get me such a coloured periwig!
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine.
Ay, but her forehead's low, and mine's as high.
What should it be that he respects in her
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come, and take this shadow up,
For tis thy rival- O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipped, kissed, loved and adored;
And were there sense in his idolatry,
My subject should be statue in thy stead.
I'll use thee kindly, for thy mistress' sake
That used me so: or else, by Jove I vow
I should have scratched out your unseeing eyes
To make my master out of love with thee.

Hahaha.

2008-09-02T01:55:23Z

Who were you in a past life? (really good quiz!)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Witch

You were a witch in a past life and therefore possessed an inherent ability to shape the environment around you. Many people respected and admired you for your abilities but a small few instead found themselves threatened by your presence. You died consumed by flames at the stake in full knowledge that you would live again.

Witch

100%

Royalty

85%

Pioneer.

85%

Slave

80%

Fortune Teller

80%

Pirate

70%

Convict.

50%

Not human

45%

Outlaw.

45%

Peasant.

40%

Executioner.

25%

New Soul.

20%

Alice

2008-06-20T05:55:33Z

No, not our teacher, the ever fabulous Alice Saltzman.

I mean Alice in Wonderland.

Yes, I will be playing her at Surflight in their Children's show!! I'm so excited about it. It's unbelievable. I have been so happy here lately. It kind of stinks that I'm not in Chicago, because I'm not around everyone all day, but I'm enjoying seeing the lazy office side of theatre I haven't been accustomed to previously. It's funny- the work is probably easier mentally but much more tedious, perhaps due to the fact that it requires less brain power.

I want you to know that after writing out hundreds of meal tickets, I certainly spelled turkey club with two b's. The last meal was turkey cobb salad. Twas bound to happen :)

Soundtrack to my Life

2008-06-03T23:13:08Z

Opening credits: "Time Warp"- The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Waking up: "Mysterious Days"- Sarah Brightman
Average day: "I Hope I Get It"- A Chorus Line
First date: "Some Hearts"- Carrie Underwood
Falling in love: "Walking on Sunshine"- Katrina and the Waves
Love scene: "Entwined"- Lacuna Coil
Fight scene: "O Fortuna"- Carmina Burana
Breaking up: "I Miss You"- Incubus
Getting back together: "Real Life Fairytale"- Plumb
Secret love: "Never Gonna Stop"- Rob Zombie
Life's okay: "Summertime"- Sublime
Mental breakdown: "Down with the Sickness"- Disturbed
Driving: "The Warrior's Code"- Dropkick Murphys
Learning a lesson: "Show Me How To Live"- Audioslave
Deep thought: "When I Look At You"- The Scarlet Pimpernel
Flashback: "Lament of a Minstrel"- Falconer
Partying: "Living on a Prayer"- Bon Jovi
Happy dance: "Heaven"- DJ Sammy
Regreting: "Sing for Absolution" - Muse
Long night alone: "Eva"- Nightwish
Death scene: "Duel of the Fates"- Star Wars ...
Closing credits: "Ghost Love Score"- Nightwish

Save the Earth!

2008-06-02T07:16:48Z

Click on this and money will be donated to save square feet of rainforest through Lil Green Patch on Facebook! Let's protect the ocelots, lemurs, poison dart frogs and brazil nut trees!

Me!

2008-05-28T05:10:26Z

*• c o n f e s s i o n s •*
*~•be honest•~*
- y e s - o r - n o -
I'M AFRAID OF SILENCE:	Not really. I tend to like being alone in silence fairly often.
I TALK A LOT WHEN I GET NERVOUS:	Not only do I talk a lot, I tend to stick to innocuous or inane subjects, which have included The Lord of the Rings, Buffy, and There Will Be Blood
I AM REALLY TICKLISH:	Truth.
I'VE BEEN CALLED A TEASE:	Yes I have, and frankly I might have deserved it.
I'VE BEEN CALLED "JAIL-BAIT":	Considering that up until last year I was jailbait...
I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK:	I really like the dark, actually. The things that go bump in the dark sometimes cause me unrest, but the dark itself is calming.
I'M AFRAID OF FACING MY BACK TO OPEN DOORS AT NIGHT:	If you face your back to the open door, then you keep the bogeyman from running out of the room without having to duel you first. That seems to be a good idea to me.
I CAN'T SLEEP IN A ROOM IF THE CLOSET DOOR IS OPEN:	If the closet door is open, you see the gremlin coming through and have more time to react. Henceforth, this also seems like a good idea.
I AM A HOMOSEXUAL:	I just don't swing that way, sorry.
I BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE:	I really don't think that I do. Define true love for me and let's have an argument. I believe in true happiness, I don't know if I'm capable of true love.
I'VE RUN AWAY FROM HOME:	Manhattan can answer that for you. However, I got there by train, not the power of my own feet.
I LISTEN TO POLITICAL MUSIC:	That sounds like a really bad idea to me, politics affects every other part of my culture, I would prefer it not ifiltrate my music as well.
I COLLECT COMIC BOOKS:	No, I do not. As a kid, I did enjoy the occassional Archie or Spiderman, but I assume those were thrown away.
I SHUT OTHERS OUT WHEN I'M SAD:	Jesus, I shut people out when I'm happy. Certainly they're shut out when I'm sad.
I'VE STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT:	I've never stayed UP all night, but I have been known to be seen at French Roast around 5AM without having gone to sleep... yet...
I OPEN UP TO OTHERS EASILY:	That's funny. Not the case.
I AM KEEPING A SECRET FROM THE WORLD:	I think everyone could probably come up with a list of about fifty if they thought hard enough, and I am no exception.
I WATCH THE NEWS:	The news is a constant source of enjoyment. I enjoy pretending that I'm intellectual, and get a kind of kick out of knowing more about current events than anyone else.
I OWN OVER 5 RAP CD'S:	Not so much. I do have quite a few Yin Yang Twins jams saved on my computer, but that's about the extent of my rap knowledge.
I LOVE DISNEY MOVIES:	Disney movies are typically quite brilliant. They provide a happy hour and a half long animated acid trip where good triumphs over evil and pretty girls really want nice guys.
I AM A SUCKER FOR GREEN EYES:	I never notice peoples' eyes. I couldn't tell you the eye color of any guy I've ever dated without looking at pictures. I really have no idea.
I AM A SUCKER FOR BROWN EYES:	See above.
I AM A SUCKER FOR BLUE EYES:	And again.
I DON'T KILL BUGS:	I have a live and let live policy for the majority of bugs, but ants in my house are intolerable, and mosquitos need to all die miserable, horrible painful deaths.
I CURSE:	Damn right.
I'VE CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND:	Define that, please, because I'm not sure what your personal definition of cheating...
I'VE SLIPPED AND FELL IN PUBLIC:	Oh god, all of the time. I promise. Ask Kacie about my pavement dive, and the subsequent removal of gravel from my own knee with tweezers.
I'VE SLIPPED OUT A "LOL" IN A REAL CONVERSATION:	I hope not, but perhaps in my Lily Pulitzer, tweed blazer days in tenth grade.
I LOVE SPAM:	Neither kind.
I'M A GOOD COOK:	I'm a decent cook. I can make simple things without burning my house down or poisoning anyone.
I HAVE WORN PAJAMAS TO CLASS:	I would never ever be caught dead doing such a despicable thing. The fashion police would murder me publically. I usually wear pumps.
I HAVE OWNED SOMETHING FROM ABERCROMBIE:	... yes... and the few things I have from there are legitimately adorable.
I WANT A BETTER JOB..OR A JOB:	I want to make enough to have a happy life of subsistence living. Preferably this would include acting.
I'VE TALKED ON THE PHONE FOR 6+ HOURS:	No. Talking on the phone for one hour makes me quite uncomfortable.
I LOVE DR. PHIL:	I actually went through a Dr. Phil phase in high school. He has some valuable, no-nonsense things to say. Unfortunately, his delivery can be curt.
I LIKE SOMEONE:	I like a lot of people. Am I currently interested in anyone romantically? Regretfully, no.
I AM GUILTY OF TyPiNg LiKe ThIs:	Heavens no.
I AM SELF-CONSCIOUS:	Occassionally. This is a trait that seems to carry over from high school, but I'm getting better.
I LOVE TO LAUGH:	Hehehehe. This reminds me of Mary Poppins, and subsequently my dad attempting to sing that song. I'm laughing now.
I DRINK ALCOHOL FREQUENTLY:	Every two weeks through middle and high school I had some Maneshewitz at Communion.
I'VE SMOKED A PACK OF CIGARETTES IN 1 DAY:	No I have not. I really don't smoke.
I'M NOT A VIRGIN:	Ha.
I LOVE LORD OF THE FLIES:	Honestly, there were parts of the book I enjoyed, but the writing style was a tad awkward.
I EAT COUGH DROPS WHEN I'M NOT SICK:	No. I am more of a gum person. I prefer what is in my mouth to last a little longer than a cough drop. Oh god. Someone please quote me on that.
I CAN'T SWALLOW PILLS:	Swallowing pills is something I do far too often. I'm kind of a vitamin and advil, shall we say, afficianado.
I HAVE A LOT OF SCARS:	I have a lot more than a lot of other girls. A tomboy childhood left me with some awkward marks.
I CAN'T SLEEP IF I KNOW THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE ROOM:	I love spiders, really.
I LOVE CHOCOLATE:	I love chocolate. I love chocolate. I love chocolate.
I BITE MY NAILS:	No, I don't bite my nails. When I was a kid I did, but then I used bad tasting nail polish.
I TWIRL MY HAIR:	... about that. When I was younger this was my unitentional flirting technique. Now I do it on purpose sometimes.
I AM COMFORTABLE WITH BEING ME:	I like myself. No need to lie. I'm pretty comfortable in my literal and figurative skin.
I PLAY COMPUTER GAMES WHEN I'M BORED:	Sometimes Sonic online catches my attention...
I TAKE THESE GAY SURVEYS WHEN I'M BORED:	This survey has no sexuality. It's not even inanimate, it's virtual. Therefore, it cannot be gay.
I'VE SEEN A SHOOTING STAR:	Yes, and at a very amazing moment. It was an entire meteor shower. That memory will never leave my mind.
I'VE HAD A "MENAGE A TROIS":	Not yet.
I'VE GONE OUT IN PUBLIC IN MY PAJAMAS:	See answer for having gone to school in pajamas.
I'VE KISSED A STRANGER:	In a way.
I'VE KISSED SOMEONE FOR THE HELL OF IT:	Yes.
I'VE HUGGED A STRANGER:	Yes.
I'VE BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX:	I have never been in a fist fight. I'd hate to harm anyone that badly without a really just cause. Typically I try not to stoop to fist fights. I prefer duels.
I'VE LAUGHED AND HAD SOME TYPE OF BEVERAGE COME OUT OF MY NOSE:	Yes, this has happened to me before, and it is shockingly painful.
I'VE PUSHED ALL THE BUTTONS IN AN ELEVATOR:	I have not, however, I have been the unlucky bastard(ess) who steps into the elevator just as the lame kids run out of the elevator.
I'VE MADE OUT IN AN ELEVATOR:	Yes, etc.
I'VE KICKED A GUY WHERE IT HURTS ON PURPOSE:	I have not had the need to do this yet. I prefer to throw a drink in his face, it makes more of a statement, and hurts his honor more than his ability to have make up sex.
I'VE BEEN SKYDIVING:	No, but I would.
I'VE BEEN BUNGEE JUMPING:	See above.
I'VE HAD STITCHES:	Yes, funny story involving myself, a fetal pig, and a scalpel.
I'VE BITTEN SOMEONE..AS A JOKE:	I've bitten someone... seriously...
I'VE BEEN TO NIAGARA FALLS:	Nope.
I'VE HAD THE CHICKEN POX:	No.
I'VE CRASHED INTO A CAR:	I have not crashed into a car. My car, though, has been the one crashed into. Three times. One of them was by a deer.
I'VE BEEN TO JAPAN:	No, but I would love to go.
I'VE RIDDEN IN A TAXI:	Of course, I live in Manhattan.
I'VE SHOPLIFTED:	I actually haven't. I'm that person who sees that I could just walk right out of the store with what I'm holding, and no one would notice, but doesn't do it.
I'VE BEEN FIRED:	Nope.
I'VE HAD FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T HAVE THEM BACK:	Haven't we all? I am attempting to not do this ever again. Amazing what the power of positive thinking can do.
I'VE STOLEN SOMETHING FROM MY JOB:	Kind of. I stole back my dignity.
I'VE BEEN ON A BLIND DATE:	I have not been on a blind date, and I am completely opposed to the principle of the thing.
I'VE HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER:	No, I really haven't. I always wanted to, but never felt it.
I'VE CELEBRATED MARDI GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS:	WHOOOO!!! nope.
I'VE BEEN TO EUROPE:	I have. I went to France.
I'VE SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER, AND/OR EMPLOYEE:	Ha.
I'VE BEEN MARRIED:	No.
I'VE GOTTEN DIVORCED:	Nope.
I'VE BEEN PREGNANT:	Nope.
I'VE SEEN SOMETHING/SOMEONE DYING:	Yes.
I HAVE A LIST OF PEOPLE I WANT TO KILL:	It's a mental list, not a physical one. Physical ones get you arrested.
I'VE DRIVEN OVER 400 MILES IN 1 DAY:	I have been in a car that has gone over 400 miles in a day, I, myself, have not driven.
I'VE BEEN TO CANADA:	Untrue.
I'VE BEEN ON A PLANE:	True.
I'VE SEEN THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW:	I was IN the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I'VE THROWN UP FROM DRINKING:	I did get a bad milkshake once.
I'VE EATEN SUSHI:	I eat sushi all of the time.
I'VE BEEN SKIING:	No I have not.
I'VE BEEN ICE SKATING:	Believe it or not, I was once a competitive ice skater.
I'VE CRIED IN PUBLIC:	It's embarassing, but true.
I'VE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE:	I have never intended to kill myself.
I'VE LIKED SOMEONE EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE:	Tell me the story of every woman's life... oh wait, you just did.
I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT SOMEONE ALMOST 24/7:	No. Even when I'm in love I tend to have a multiple track mind.
I'VE HATED THE WORLD:	God, so emo...
Take this survey \| Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

my life is the story of dangerous liaisons

2008-04-28T03:15:42Z

I think that statement rings true. Funny how once you have laid an attraction in its lowly grave after a fuy of relentless passion, how it is risen by the other partner in the passion and brough to a fruition even better than that of its previous carnation.

I love my life and feel so secure in my body right now. And I hope my partner feels the same way.

Will it happen again? I have no idea. I hope so. I feel a passion and a lust and an infatuation that has lasted for about four monthes now and only grown stronger, but not a love. It's more of an addictive thing. I want him, I want him bad I want him as much as possible. And now I feel the signals again that he wants me.

But this time no questions, no explanations, it's going one day at a time. I'm in control now and he's having me whether he wants to or not. But, I'm certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does now. Certainty makes my spine tingle!

Hooray for happy days! I love how my life falls into place as Beltane approaches.

Trala, it's may, the lusty month of may...

Rainforest!

2008-04-26T16:45:52Z

I am such a hypocrite:

and so glad I answered that text message!

Life's on the upswing.

I could kill

2008-04-16T17:25:33Z

I haven't posted. I'm not going to give you any excuses either. That's the point of a nonresulotion. When you break it, the only one who calls you out on it is you, if anyone else does, you just say, eh, whatever, and move on. But when you bash on yourself, you bash more often and more vehemently than anyone else ever would. Think on that.

So I was in the Strand bookstore the other day. I don't know if you've ever been there, but it's a bookstore just below Union Square of great fame and allure, used in many movies and frequented by movie stars, the bourgeousie and the proletariat. There are 18 miles of shelves of books in this three-story intellectual paradise. That is exactly what it is: a paradise for the unusually intellectual mind. But god, I get a kick out of old books. Yes, I indibitably mean that type of kick. I love to just run my hands over the old leather pages.

I'm sick and twisted.

I saw a wolf today walking down the street and we had a moment together, it looked like he bowed his head to me. But we kept eye contact for almost a block until he turned and went the other way. Hmm.

It's like when you look at a baby and you know, it's so innocent and helpless, that you could just kill it with your bare hands right there. But you never would unless you became severely unhinged.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I haven't been thinking normally lately... something is happening.

Shae, what's happening is me. shane, what's happening is me. And it just needs to happen. I'm sorry I don't know what else to do.

hmm

2008-04-01T02:21:15Z

why is it so hard to tell others to be courageous
and so hard to be courageous yourself?

why is it every time I try to be courageous
I am foiled?

ah, tis life my friend.

I just wish my phone would ring.

Right now.

...
...
...
...
...........

didn't happen.

addendum to the previous: poem time!!

2008-03-31T05:12:30Z

I don't care what it takes
I don't care if you fake
See the honesty in me
I don't care what you see

I don't care who you are
I don't care if you're scarred
See my sarcasm sting
I don't care about this fling.

New Month Resolutions

2008-03-31T05:09:34Z

So this year my new years resolution was to stop making resolutions. I am planning to continue that by making April the month of official anti-resolutions. The first, however, is actually a resolution. I am going to post on this blog every day-- invite you into the deep gutteral nether regions of my mind, an intense journey through my amygdala. Bring a machete... I've just realized that I have a tendency to think of very intelligent ideas, rather provoking thoughts about my existence and about existence or life in general, and then forget how I self-narrated them in my head as the moment was happening if I wait until the next day to articulate them on paper. along with this normal post is to be a short poem. I cannot write poetry to save my life, but it is going to be a trip.

And I promise that each post shall be significantly more inappropriate and sarcastic than the last. haha.

My anti-resolutions:

~I resolve to eat what I want, when I want it; whether it's a green bean at lunch or a whole pie at 4Am.
~I resolve to not ever want a boyfriend for the sake of having one. That is just a fucked up mindset anywho and I pity girls who think that way, and boys who do. I think it's just wrong.
~I resolve never to need or depend upon anyone else again beyond the bounds of reason. Expecting/ requesting a friend lend you a dollar for the last milky way out of the snack machine is permissible. Staking all of your hopes and dreams on someone is just not an intelligent idea.
~I resolve to think more like a man in sexual situations. I'm out for the pleasure, and yeah, I definitely like you, but I in the way that I think maybe something could happen emotionally with us, and in the way that I know you should be down there right now.
~In addition, I resolve that men are fun, and that I understand their nature better than I think I do. This knowledge can be exploited as long as I don't really harm anyone.
~I resolve to treat girls who think I am gay and expose themselves to me, hump me, and kiss me to get my attention with respect when in their prescence. They are wonderful people and deserve humane treatment. However, they also don't know their boundaries, and when I am not in their prescence, they deserve for me to bad mouth them.
~I resolve to bad mouth more often, and not apologize for it. Sometimes, people are just mean people and it is my job as a sarcastic person to point this out to everyone except them.
~I also resolve to occassionally tell people off to their face about why they annoy the shit out of me, rather than apologize to them for making them angry at me. Nothing I did made them angry, their life situation and their constitution took care of that for them. I shouldn't have to deal with their bad programming.

LALALALALALALA!

Sadistic Wit

2008-03-25T04:20:13Z

Sadistic Wit
Mwahahahahaha
A hand in the video camera.
Wait- I'm a Quaker.
A foot extended a little too far.
Hello, this is planned parenthood.
You remind me of my dad.
Mismatched socks, all of them.
I hacked your account fucker.
Turning the chess board.
We moved your car.
Oh, that checkbook.
I didn't get that text.
You really expect me to-
Wait, no, I'm not that nice.

hahahahaha.

I got my computer back!

2008-03-24T17:10:17Z

That I did.

Tis wondrous.

So I have started composig again. I tend to go on long breaks and then pick up where I left off monthes later. Projects are such a wonderful idea when I begin, but then I become, sidetracked, lazy, bored, etc and they fall by the wayside until perchance I discover them years later and take them a little further. Very rarely do I ever seem to take crafts/ random creative projects of interest to their conclusion. Ah the slothfulness of me.

I realized though that wasted potential drives me insane. People who are brilliantly intellectual, who have ideas and the capability to change the world, but sit on their ass and let none know of their ideas are the most tragic of all. Boys seem to be especially good at this. They have this new hypotheses on existence, a new theory on psychology, a new form of art, a new thought on theatre, and they sit on facebook for hours and hours, sit wallowing in their own self-induced stench and do nothing. And the world suffers as a result.

When I think of something brilliant and lifechanging to say, when I discover the quintessence of the human condition, people will know about it. They will know about it right before I die, until then I will sit upon the knowledge like an egg, allowing myself, and perhaps a priveledged few others to relish in its glory, but keeping it from the rest of the world. It will be written in my will or something. I hopefully have some time to figure that out.

I got bored and wrote a poem in writing the essay today.

I can see the rise of empires in your eyes
Climb the mountain or find your demise
A cruelty of a gentler kind
A stare deep into the unconscious mind
You see through me, I see through you
No one perceives this things: just two.
Our beings are broken, auras burn like fire
We both know that we're both liars
That's what I crave in you
Mystical, hidden secrecy
Attempt of greatness that knows no contest
The part of you no one can see
Not even me
A part of me is concealed too
I'd sell my soul to share with you
The ruin of all of my mystery
You'd see fallen empires in me

Addendum

2008-03-23T01:14:26Z

Today I saw a bunch of friends, well, at least acquaintances from back in high school. I was hanging out with one of my best friends, actually we went out to a fancy lunch and then to get manicures. Yes, I am female, I do get manicures from time to time. It feels good, it's inexpensive, it doesn't hurt anyone, and Kacie and I can exchange friendly gossip, or not so friendly gossip between chairs. Who am I kidding, we enjoy talking shit about people sometimes. Especially people from high school we never see anymore.

I've realized though, that there seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately: If I am talking about someone or something, even thinking about them, they are bound to show up withing the next thirty minutes. This happens to me more and more frequently as of late, and it is beginning to affect my general psyche. For when I attempt to will this to happen, I am decidedly unsuccessful. Yet, it occurs without my bidding so often that it has become an awkward trend.

Ah, the uniqueness of individual experience and the similarity of all of us surviving the human condition.

Seeing people from the past seems stranger every time for me though. They don't, typically seem to have changed that much, and trust me, after the teachings of the grand buddha Ron Currus I find myself transfixed with every little alteration in their sense of being. But most of them seem to have few. Yet they all seem to believe that I have changed a great deal. I suppose that I have. Many people saw me as the affiliate to many other things in high school- other people, other concepts, other ideals, than those that I now practice.

But everything else seems so stationary. I don't want it to be like that. And everything not stationary confuses me because it's not how I expected it. New buildings where there was once a field... speed limits where there once were none as the speed limit of my life seems to get higher and higher.

And I am forced to turn off the cruise control and really look.

The one person I have dreaded seeing, though, I have not seen. Part of me does want to see this person, to know how he is doing, just to verify that he is, and always was alive, that he was not just a face I photoshopped into a bunch of pictures, but that he really, truly existed and that I felt him, in my soul, on my skin, in my mind. I did. I miss him sometimes, especially when I am home, but I know that "he" doesn't exist. He changed, I know he changed, because in the end things happened I never saw coming. Or did I change?

Or did neither one of us change? was I in love with an idealized version of him my brain created all along?

I'm a compulsive fixer, I wouldn't put it past myself.

My best friend is Andrew

2008-03-23T00:49:05Z

I'm sitting at my family computer in pennsylvania after a lovely easter dinner.

There was ham, there were green beans and asparagus (HOORAY!!!!!), I mean, there was even jello salad surprise. It was fantastic.

Anyway, I'm sitting at the family computer. Mine's busted. It's in New York, and it's busted. It might be fixed now. I'll find out on monday.

But I am writing the essay. Ahhh. I'm writing the essay in pennsylvania. I have been working all week, but when a class you hate pervades your life, what do you do? Fo real???

I do have a hookup. I am close family friends with artist Andrew Wyeth's personal curator. She lost weight at my mom's weight watchers meetings and the bond ahs been there ever since.

I just realized how funny that really is. I'm going to get a personal interview with Andrew Wyeth though. Sweet.

Not as good as Daniel Day, but hell. I do what I can.

And I saw Elizabeth the Golden Age last night. Cate Blanchett really is a goddess, Shae. She really is.

I am very frustrated.

2008-03-21T16:34:42Z

I just typed a long, probably three page beautiful biography for myself detailing my own life, my optimistic viewpoints on the world, etc. for my profile on livejournal.

I clicked continue and save, and it deleted everything and brought me back to the same page.

How intolerably frustrating.

And how hilarious that livejournal, the word, comes up as a spelling error in this message, when that is the name of the website on which I type it. Ha.

The world is so ironically funny sometimes. Every day, a little more, I get jaded. Being jaded just makes you more optimistic that something must get better. Because if you are living in this shithole, it can't possibly get worse.

Actually, my life is fantastic, it isn't a shithole. I've had this wonderful week of spring break to read great literature, either new or over again, and to do a lot of acting work, which makes me the happiest person alive. I do miss my friends at school a lot, but it is nice to take some time to myself.

Life is such a joy. Everything seems to be going well.

And now that I typer that, my next entry will probably begin with "life sucks." But I know that any negative view of life must be temporary. Otherwise, it shall bring us down.