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MMMMMM I never post on this thing. I don't know why. It's not that I don't like posting... honestly I just forget about it a lot which is pretty stupid if you ask me.

Things are good. Many a project, many things to read. I'm taking Developmental Psychology and Law and Society as my gen eds this semester. I was feeling ambitious, and I'm starting to think that I may eventually regret that decision.

Went to the Museum of Natural History, ate dinner at an Authentic restaurant in chinatown, had frozen yoghurt, saw Speed-the-Plow, and am in rehearsals for a Mainstage. Yes I am.

Relationship Status= rocky. We'll get over it, I have faith.

I also no longer believe in predetermined destiny, but my belief in reincarnation has been solidified.

Blessed be.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yeah, I'm back in the city. Here I am, in my own apartment with my roommates- well, two of them. And one of them is new. But, I like her thank god. I was kind of nervous since the four of us last semester had picked one another, and things were going so smoothly. I was nervous to the point of shivers that this new girl might be a jerk, a freak.... or totally disinterested in being friends with us. Thankfully, she isn't.

Still waiting for my man though- he's in Seattle, all of the way accross the country from me. I'm lonely without him really. It's strange to be here when he isn't here. Everything is a tad bit empty- places where I would normally see him, well, don't have him in them. He'll be here saturday though.

Huzzah for being back here.

Blessed be.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Yes it is!

Life i just going along rather swimmingly right now. I haven't seen him since thursday, which sucks. I went home on friday night earlier than he thought, so I just totally missed him, and then he went off to Washington DC to visit his brother and his family (and see his sister who was coincidentally, or rather probably plannedly also visiting). He is a genius, but he did manage to forget his cell phone charger, so I haven't actually heard his voice in five days. Considering we haven't even spent one day without seeing one another, this is quite a lot, really.

It seems really trivial, but I really miss him already. It's not the typical kind of heart pain miss, where you fixate on the person, their skin, their hair, their scent, in a kind of obsessive love way. This is different. He's there in so many moments. So many things happen where I stop and go "Oh, Patrick would think that was hilarious" or "Patrick has a shirt like that" or he just magically came up in conversation, or I realized that more than half of the stories about good things I'd been doing ( haha) lately that I was sharing with my parents involved him. Or, were even due to him.

He's just always in my mind, but not in a fixated way. It's a pleasant kind of missing someone, where you look forward to seeing them again, to smile at them and have them see that you look better than five days ago and see their smile in seeing that, rather than a "why hast god forsaken me?" kind of driven misery.

At 2AM he should be getting home. Good girlfriend that I am, I told him I'd wait up and see him. I do really want to see him, but I'm getting tired, and although I love posting on my journal, this is also a fantastic way to pass a lot of time and keep myself awake. The idea of napping until he gets back keeps floating around in my head, throwing little bouncy balls at my more logical functions, my upper cortex, saying "Hey! Come play with me in dreamland! We have ponies and castles for you to frolick in to your heart's delight!" and I KNOW if I fall asleep I'm not going to wake up. Fucking ponies are too tempting. And I want to be awake when he gets back. We'll see what I do. Seeing him should be enough motivation to get me out of the sack.

So... I went home this weekend. It was certainly a trip. Seeing my family, seeing my house, sleeping in my queensize bed.... It was delicious. My town was so strange though. Homecoming, which once excited me to the nth degree, now seemed rather pathetically lame, not Brick kind of lame more like that kid on South Park, Jimmy. The lame you just want to pat on the head and tell them it will be all better once they pull their heads out of their asses and acknowledge and learn to live in the real world kind of lame. Alien country, I tell you. West Grove is Alien country to me now and I used to be a part of that society. I can't ever go back now, it's so strange. The lifestyle is so different I can't express it in words here, so I don't plan to try.

However, it was a pleasant trip. I picked raspberries from my backyard. You can't tell me that the taste of sunwarmed fresh strawberries picked from 20 feet off of your porch is not a fragment of heaven. Because, it most certainly is. And my family is doing well. They got a wii, my dad bought it for my mom for her birthday, and Dad and I played this stupid cow racing game for over an hour. It was retarded, it was silly, and it was a hell of a lot of fun. Some of the best father-daughter bonding we've done in a while. The Yankees game in the spring trumps it by a mile, but this was pretty important, in a cow racing wii game sort of way.

I have completely run out of things to say, so I shall now have to find another way to occupy my brain other than a nap. Ahh. I'll think of something. All those nights staying up til 2 doing absolute bullshit and the one night I need to I'm bored shitless. Get it? Bullshit... shitless...

I'm scrounging rock bottom now. Goodnight kids.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I love him but I also don't want to scare him by saying I love him because damnit making him know how I feel is a fine line between how I feel and freaky. I need to chill.

But I'm still really, really, really happy. For real.

Yay. Unfortunately, I'm a little too happy to concentrate on writing this paper.

A feeling of hope
A feeling of pride
Not knowing if I'd know you
Before I once again died.
I don't know if I've found you
I don't really care.
I don't even know
If you'll always be there.
But something inside me
Says this is right now.
Is whispering softly
You'll make it somehow.

Don't fixate on future
Don't look to the past
Don't worry of finding
The true one at last
Maybe he's out there
Maybe he's not
Maybe he is
but does not want to be caught.

Who gives a damn
It's such a shame
People living their lives
Looking for that one name.
Searching for someone
They might never see
Trying to become
Forgetting to be.
Forgetting they're whole
Forgetting they're one
Forgetting that two
Can always be undone.

I don't need that now
I don't want that shit
I look at those people
Just about to quit
And know I have me
but know I have friends
Know that my life
Has many different ends
Don't care what they are
I have no idea
All that I know
Is I'm right now, right here.

I'm here with you
I won't be all night
But that's just okay
That's completely alright.
I won't get mad
I won't feel pain
Because I no longer
Look at this as a game.
But it's not serious
Nothing to sweat
You live what you want
And you get what you get.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Fuck it all, I'm so done with it. This cynical lack of feeling.

No!

I'm done with it.

I want to love, I want to feel, I want to not be above all of this. I want to be open, to be aware of how I'm feeling, to love the fact that I'm magically in love and feel more wonderful than I ever have in my entire life.

A relationship is happening to me, a wheel is turning, something has been set into motion that I don't have the power to stop, yet I have put tread on the wheels in order to create friction and make it slow down.

No!

Fuck you you motherfucker for making me unable to feel. Fuck you.
Fuck you for making me feel like shit.
Fuck you for not allowing me to dream.
Fuck you for making me think that I was worthless for monthes.
Fuck it all.

I'm ready.
I'm ready to live now.

I'm ready to love now.
Someone, much better than you. YES, much better.
I actually love this one, I'm not just in it for the self-gratification.
I just want to lay next to him and see the smile in his eyes that he gets from seeing me laying next to him.

To laugh at the stupid, inane jokes only we get because we have the same twisted sense of humour.

To want him to love me without wanting him to hurt me.

Fuck you, I'm so over you and I wish I had punched you in the face that night. If I ever see you again I swear to God I'll rip your heart out because I was such a weak little child that night. I was playing a game and you were set. I've been so ashamed of the way that I behaved, now I just hate you.

I hope I see you this weekend. I hope you're fat. I know I look better than you, frankly, I always did. I lowered my standards to date you, I wanted someone to love, someone to attach myself too. I didn't love you until the very end. I lied motherfucker. In all honesty, I lie a lot more than people think I do because I convince myself that the lies are truth. That's why I am now a great actor, no thanks to you, you snaggle-toothed, furry cyclops.

I'm ready.

There isn't anything holding me back, I've let you go now. I've let you go.

GONE.

I swear to god, I don't need to kill you anymore, I've loved you, I've hated you and now I feel nothing but a chilling indifference.

I'm ready to take off, to fly, to live. I'm ready to exist, I'm ready to feel.

I want to throw caution to the wind, and myself into his arms. I'm whole. I admit it- I kind of need him. I need him because he makes me better than myself. He doesn't make me cut school, he makes me want to work. He makes me want to be better, to work harder, to be the best fucking actor I can ever possibly be. You never did anything but make my pursuits look pointless. Fuck you.

I'M IN LOVE!!! I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!

I just want to scream it from the top of a mountain and broadcast it to the world. I adore him.

I'm so ready. :)
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yes folks, she's happy. Stupidly happy almost. I just can't believe the way my life is going right now, and I'm going along for the ride, loving every moment. This is absolutely not where I thought I would be, or who I thought I would be at this point in my life. This is so much better than I could have dreamed.

I'm in love. Yes, really and truly in love. I have fallen in love with my best friend and he has fallen in love with me.

We were laying around last night and just relaxing, in bed, and he turned to me and said he thought there was something I wanted to say to him. Naturally, there was. I had realized a few days prior that I was completely in love with him. I just didn't know how to tell him. We've only been together for a few weeks, but I've known him for a year and he knows almost everything about me. Almost. So I played it cool, acting like I was utterly oblivious as to what he was talking about. He was persistent. Finally he said that he had something he was dying to say too. So He said, we'll say it at the same time.


On the count of three.

One... two... three...

I love you.

It was the most wonderful and romantic thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and it was spontaneous, random and weird in its own way. Dear god, he followed that by quoting an entire Eddie Izzard monologue to me (while I rolled around under a blanket, shaken by raucous laughter).

Of course, now I have thought of other things that could have been said that would have made the situation unbelievable awkward/ hysterical/ ridiculous.


"I need to pee"
"I'm pregnant"
"You smell like shit"
"I don't think this is working out"
"Let's fuck"
"I want a burger"
"You're stepping on my toe"



Note to self: any of the aforementioned statements would have probably fucked you over bigtime. Well done speaking your heart.

I'm in love!

So much in love that I've been listening to techno. I had a single person techno rave in my room tonight. I just danced around giddily. It was fabulous. I felt like I was suspended in the clouds by an unbreakable angel-wing bungee cord wrapped with flowers of pleasant fragrance.

And, I fell for the good guy. My mind and my back muscles are thanking me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So it's amazing how things work. I was in the park the other day, and a man and a woman approached me. They asked if I had ever heard of the mother goddess. Clearly I told them that I had, and I agreed with them blah blah blah, kind of excited about it all, but knowing that I had come to the park to get some schoolwork done. Then they attempted to show me some bible passages, and I informed them that I had to go.

I turned and left- turned back, they were gone.

So, I'm sitting at the base of a statue of George Washington in Union Square Park, reading the Communist Manifesto (yes, I know. I really did it. And I felt like a super badass, not gonna lie, though I half expected him to come to life and smite me). About halfway through the book, I'm approaced by a second couple asking the same question. This time I kind of totally blew them off. I was just likeyeah, yeah, your friends already talked to me, and they said, "what friends". Weird right?

In true form, I looked up, and they were GONE.

No one else in the entire crowded park seemed to have seen them.

Here is where you get the preface, and why this whole situation might just be so amazing, if it didn't seem amazing to you already. This all happened on Sunday night. On Friday night, I hooked up with my best friend. It was slightly weird, but I've known him for a year now, and for about the past nine monthes, he has that friend who I just shared everyone with. He knows my moves before I make them, and I know his. We were scene partners last year, we had to make out in our scene, but I never ever saw him as anything more than a friend. Frankly I was not attracted to him in that way really at all. He's attractive, I always acknowledged that, but he didn't seem to be my type at the time. I was into the dark, evil men. That always seems to be my throwback type of guy... the ones you see into their eyes, see their sociopathic tendencies and just want them to take you. But then we came back from summer break.

This summer I worked at a summer stock theatre, doing all musicals. This may seem trivial, but it is one of the best things that I have ever done in my life. I had a great summer, I learned a lot about myself, how to just relax and enjoy life. I learned how to be happy being healthy and nice, basically. I learned how to like a good guy- yeah, there was a summer guy. He was five years older than I am, and I've never been opposed to dating a guy that much older, I just haven't. Anyway, after a flirtation and hanging out for monthes, including being his "prom date", we finally hooked up on the night before I left town. It was hot and furious. In the back of his car in a church parking lot. He was a really good, nice guy, and I realized that was the type f person I really wanted.

Now, I did not come back to school with the intentions of finding a guy. Quite the fucking opposite, in fact. I wanted to just spend time completing the bettering of myself that had begun over the summer, and, if you'll excuse the pun, seemed to come to climax that night in the back of that car. But suddenly best friend guy and I were hanging out one-on-one like all of the time. We were going to see shows together, spending time in the room, taking classes together, it was just awesome. I mean awesome in the true sense of the word- like a majestic range of purple mountains in the midwest, or the beauty of a triple rainbow over the ocean. Really awesome!

I started to see him in a different light- he'd grown up. Those little things that had driven me crazy about him as a friend last year had changed, gone away completely, or become weirdly endearing to me. I was just loving spending time with him. Not to mention I found him wickedly handsome now. Honestly, he may not look that much different, but not seeing him for three monthes made me see him in a different light. He just makes me full of joy every time I look at his stunning self. God, that sounded like he's gay (haha He's NOT gay...). You understand what I mean. I realized that I liked him as more than a friend, something I never thought in a million years would ever happen. An occurrence that seemed as imminent as the apocalypse, in all honesty. I was attracted, I cared, and I wanted him.

We were at a mutual friend's birthday party, drinking and smoking hookah. Each of us had only had a few drinks- neither one of us was anywhere near drunk. I am a heavyweight, I believe he is too. I had never actually gotten drunk with him, he didn't start drinking until halfway through the year last year, and we had never gotten smashed together. The chances of that happening in the near future are probably pretty high, but it hadn't happened yet. Well, still hasn't. Anyhow, he kissed me. In front of everyone. He was kind of massaging my shoulders, and then he just, well, kissed me. Five minutes later, perhaps not even, it happened again. I went upstairs to another part of the party, and then heard, to my great dismay, that he had left.

A few minutes later, I received this text message (I hate talking on the phone... I prefer texting. I am the most awkward phone talked on the face of the earth): "I have gone home. I hope you can find it in your heart to excuse my beligerrence"

I was impressed by the word beligerence. Not gonna lie. But I was sad a little that he thought I wasn't into it...

I was about to text him back and this came up on my phone screen: "And by I hope you can forgive my beligerence, I mean, maybe you could come see me later"

I called him (i know, big for me), left the party, and went back home. Conveniently, he lives three floors below me. However, it was raining. I showed up at his door some twenty minutes later, soaking wet, my dress made practically see through by the rain, and makeup running down my face, and he kissed me.

Long story I'm not going to go into detail about here due to censorship as well as tact and time short, we're kind of a thing, or as we are saying "mutually exclusive but not really in a relationship". And I feel like the happiest woman alive. I'm listening to Katrina and the Waves. That kind of happy. He kisses me in public, at studio even! It's awesome.

This story will be continued when I have more time... it gets SO much better it's unreal.
 
 
 
 
 
 
A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful.
I hope my master's suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress' love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me see, I think
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as this of hers.
And yet the painter flattered her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow.
If that be all the difference in his love
I'll get me such a coloured periwig!
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine.
Ay, but her forehead's low, and mine's as high.
What should it be that he respects in her
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come, and take this shadow up,
For tis thy rival- O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipped, kissed, loved and adored;
And were there sense in his idolatry,
My subject should be statue in thy stead.
I'll use thee kindly, for thy mistress' sake
That used me so: or else, by Jove I vow
I should have scratched out your unseeing eyes
To make my master out of love with thee.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Who were you in a past life? (really good quiz!)
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Witch

You were a witch in a past life and therefore possessed an inherent ability to shape the environment around you. Many people respected and admired you for your abilities but a small few instead found themselves threatened by your presence. You died consumed by flames at the stake in full knowledge that you would live again.

Witch

100%

Royalty

85%

Pioneer.

85%

Slave

80%

Fortune Teller

80%

Pirate

70%

Convict.

50%

Not human

45%

Outlaw.

45%

Peasant.

40%

Executioner.

25%

New Soul.

20%

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